The addiction of hatred

By Ashley Lopez

Check this out, I used to work for such a despicable woman and the worst part was that I wanted so badly for her to like me. She was literally the vilest person I knew and still know, except now I don’t even work for her and she still manages to cross my mind and get under my skin. I was employed by this woman for about a year and a half. I quit because she was driving me ballistic. I’m surprised I didn’t bite my tongue off from biting it so fucking much to keep quiet. She was so condescending, belittling, moody, loud, obnoxious, rude, and apathetic.

I am writing about this person today because since I’ve gotten laid off from my last job, I have been in contact with her two times. The first time, I reached out for a job. I know what you’re thinking… why would you even put yourself in that situation to begin with? The second time, she reached out to me because she had a part-time position (ok, this was literally today). After my pitiable attempt to try to work for her again, I was extremely displeased with myself and told myself to never put myself in a situation like that again. I felt desperate. I think the most embarrassing part of it all was that when my attempt failed, I was actually upset she wouldn’t take me. I kept (and still keep) going back and forth in my head about this woman… one. year. later. About how much I couldn’t and still can’t stand her.

At one point, I was checking her Facebook constantly to see all the discriminatory things she would post just so I can feel rage. I finally decided to delete her after I couldn’t handle her viewpoint on certain issues anymore. It was not good for me to keep “checking up” on someone who made my blood boil. Last week she texted me asking if I’m still looking for work. I didn’t reply. She called me today, I didn’t answer. She texted me after to call her ASAP. I didn’t want to text her back, but I did. I was to the point. Didn’t call her. Told her I was working. That was the end. But for a short moment, it felt almost nice to be wanted by her.

When I was working for her, she always favored my colleague and I believe it was because the color of my skin. I kept asking myself if it was because I wasn’t white like her. I hated that she liked my co-worker more than me. Even though I knew this pessimistic woman that I called my boss was the worst, I still craved her approval and felt the need to look her up on Facebook. Now, after telling her I have a job and I am unavailable to work, I feel even weaker because I didn’t go off on her like how I fantasized about so many times. SO MANY TIMES. But, what’s the point in doing so. I’m probably scum to her. The bottom of the barrel. My words would mean nothing to her.

At this point, I think I just need to reflect on why she still bothers me so much. I haven’t seen her in over a year. We’ve only talked those two times. I need to think about why I went on her profile so much. I need to think about why my hatred towards her is still so damn addicting. Or better yet: why is hating someone so prevalent?

Think Ashley, think.

Thanks for reading, xo.

2 replies

  1. Me parece que.. No es odio lo q sientes… Estás defraudada porque ella no valoraba, no reconocía tu trabajo… No pierdas tiempo en lo q no vale la pena…
    Olvidate y dale vuelta a la página.
    “a otra cosa mariposa”.. Es un ducho muy cierto.
    Sigue adelante… Éxitos

    Liked by 1 person

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