By Ashley Lopez
Do you ever just sit and contemplate every choice you’ve ever made for yourself? One second you think you’ve got it all figured out and your life is so stable, but really, you’re questioning all of your life decisions.
(Side note/random: parenting must be exhausting; I can’t imagine making decisions for two or more. Kudos to all the parents out there. Oh, and love ya mom and dad!)
I can have really good days, weeks and months, but then I have a few bad days and I begin to question everything I’m convinced I know. Is it okay for “happy” people to question their happiness? Is okay for happy people to desire more?
At times I feel kind of overwhelmed because all of the possibilities I’ve dreamt up for myself are not all coming into play. At times I overthink not being able to do it all, do I really have to choose one path?
Meet all the glorious versions of Ashley:
- My current happy self
- The me that lives abroad
- The me that leaves everything behind to travel
- The me who doesn’t have children
- The me who has five children
- The me who works a really cool 9 to 5 job
- And then some
Sometimes my imagination takes control of my happiness and current state of mind because I am not living abroad, I am not traveling from country to country, I do not have kids, I don’t have the coolest job ever and I’m just… settled in my very normal, but loving life. I think I mentally drain myself for scheming up more.
My life is so established with great people, steady income, countless self-care routines and great dinner dates with my sexy boyfriend. I wonder if I am ungrateful because I want more some days. I go 93 days feeling amazing about my life and 17 days questioning if I’m okay where I’m at.
Yo, what is up with me? I cannot deal with myself half the time.
In a perfect world, all of the “Ashley(s)” would all be living their best life and my loved ones would be cheering me on. “Hey Ashley! How’s Switzerland?” “Hey Ashley! Haven’t heard from you since you landed in India, what’s new? Where the hell are you?” “Hey Ashley! Camila is waiting for her cool auntie to come over!” “Hey Ashley! How are your kids doing?” “Hey Ashley! How’s work going? Heard you go promoted!”
My responses: “Fucking great!” “Sorry, can’t talk, about to hike Mount Everest.” “Tell Camila to hang tight, I’m on my way!” “The kids are amazing, potty trained and walking!” “Your girl did get promoted, watch out world—another bad ass female with authority!”
I’m learning to not punish myself when I crave more because fantasies and wishes keep me sane and hey who knows, maybe I’ll live out a few of these, I am only 26 years old you know 😉
Check this out, I get to go home, do a yummy face mask while watching Grey’s Anatomy and snuggling up to my man all the while living my perfect ordinary life.
Not to self (and you): be happy where you are at, there’s time for more.
Thanks for reading, xo.