Written by Ashley Lopez
I’m too nice. I overthink. I worry too much. I play unrealistic scenarios in my head and put them on repeat. I love people. I’m a control freak at times. I’m impatient. I love to walk. I have so much to say, but always avoid saying anything at all. I have an agenda full of tasks that never get done.
Gosh, I hate those last two. Today I was telling my boyfriend that I need to prioritize my time better because I have too many moments that I’m just sitting around doing nothing. I waste so much time jumping around in my room listening to music when in reality I could be writing all my little thoughts I conjure up that I end up forgetting down the line. Or I could be revamping a bunch of things that require at least two hours of attention. But there I am just sitting, laying or jumping around. Ahh. Talk about too much wasted leisure time. I should at least be taking a bubble bath or getting a facial.
I’m finally disciplined enough to get routines A-Z out of the way for the day, but when I’m finished with them, I have “nothing to do.” I’m somewhat unproductive and begin avoiding activities I want to do so badly, but for some damn reason they take so much out of me to do. Can anyone else at all relate? I’d like to say I have a hard time concentrating, but I really don’t think I do because I don’t have an issue staying concentrated. I think my problem is getting myself to do it. To begin to concentrate and get out everything I need to whether that be writing, reading, exercising, cleaning, studying, passion planning, etc.
So here I am. Concentrating. Writing. Doing the damn thing. Gosh, if only I could get myself to do this for 30 minutes a day. I need to make this a routine. A habitual thing. My self-expression should be a priority, not a chore. At times I wonder if I am doing enough for me and if my lack of chill punishes me for not doing more, but I guess I’ll never know. There are so many people around the world with overbooked schedules that involve school, work, exercise, volunteering, being a mom, cooking, cleaning and more all combined into one day. One day. When do these amazing people get a chance to sleep? I can’t believe people are strong enough to handle so much and I’m too scared too even try to have one overly loaded day. You gotta be kidding me. Let’s face it, Ash—you can be lazy.
But wait, I do all these other things that are beneficial for my body and mentality, isn’t that enough? I don’t freaking know. I really don’t. But I clearly don’t do enough since I feel unfulfilled at times. Send help now. I am freaking out. What should I do?
I’m doing it. I’m writing.
Oh gosh, I make no sense at all.
Please don’t beat yourself up as much as I do. We’re all only human.
Ashley, you’re human too. Relax.
But ugh! I can do more—I will do more.
We are all capable of maximizing our time if we set our mind to it (cliché, I know), but seriously changing our mentality and I mean really fucking kickstarting it to juggle STUVWXYZ and more feels like an impossible mission (at least for me in does).
I got this. You got this. Let’s get it.
Thanks for reading, xo.
Categories: Midnight Recollections