Written by Ashley Lopez
I haven’t posted anything in 3 weeks, but my snapchat was pretty poppin’ during this period. I guess it goes to prove that sometimes I’d rather show than tell, but what good does that do for my mental health? I have an anniversary this month—1 year since I deleted my Instagram account. I guess I’m still on the same B.S. because I am living my life through pictures even though no one probably cares to see it. Or maybe they do. Maybe it’s okay to post on my Snapchat account because I literally only have family and a few old friends. I guess they should be informed of what I’m up to.
Anyways, these past 3 weeks brought up a lot of things for me and a lot happened. For starters, I went to Malibu and Las Vegas. Both trips were great and special in their own way. I’m also on a mission to complete a 60-day yoga streak that hopefully lasts longer (that is back-to-back, I’m pretty good with my overall consistency). I bought some new plants that I’m excited to hopefully not kill and grow with (one can last years, so hopefully we can mutually support each other). Oh, and I dyed my hair orange.
Most of all, what I learned during these 3 weeks is that my life consists of going from 0 to 100 and 100 to 0 real quick. I feel so completely lost career wise and I guess “adulthood” wise. I spent my money, my dad’s money and my boyfriend’s money on classes for a career I swore I was so set on. Now, I think I still am… but the fire burnt out and like most other things in my life I moved on. There goes another phase. FUCK. I can’t keep doing this. It was a pretty drastic career transition and granted, I’ve never done anything so out of the ordinary (for me, at least), but I can’t help but wonder if I’m making a mistake from moving on from it. But, maybe not because…
As I reflect on the classes I took and the time (and money) I wasted, I kept trying to convince myself: “Yes, I love this. I’m so passionate about this. This is it. I found my calling.” When in reality, I didn’t love the classes, I only received A’s in them because they were online, I didn’t dig deeper in the material (though I probably sounded like I was doing so to my friends) and I didn’t care as much as I think I should have. I’ve mentioned this before, but sometimes I feel like I expect my job to feel like Lala land. I hear so many stories about people who found their purpose in life and how passionate they are about what they do. How much time they dedicate to their studies, career or hobby.
I wish to get lost like these people. I wish to find something that truly makes me happy (in a monetary manner). I’m not saying money is everything, but I need to find something I can see myself sticking too that supports me because otherwise I’m going to have worked 25+ different jobs by the time I’m 40.
There are 3 things that I get lost in and that is walking, practicing yoga and writing. Though all three of these things require a mental push for me to do it. I haven’t been on a walk in a while, but I can walk for hours when I do it and I devour every second of it. Sometimes it’s a hassle to get on my mat, but I feel my mind, heart, body and soul realign as I’m practicing. As I’m writing this I’m typing away and the keys are going and going. I have so much to say, even though I might not be saying it right. But it took me a while to get here. To sit down on my desk and just write.
Now that one of my phases are over, it’s time to focus on my next one and maybe even the one after (knowing me), but I am praying that one of them scratches the itch I can’t seem to reach. I am really hoping someone out there understands and connects to the way I feel because I’m tired of feeling like I’m going through a quarter-life crisis. I’m sick of feeling like I’m so behind and beyond anything else, I’m so over comparing my career and/or jobs to others.
Thanks for reading, xo.