Y’all, I finally went through my therapy notes so I can put together some intel for you—straight from my chaotic, messy brain. I thought it’d be best to start with what therapy has helped me discover about myself. That feels like the most logical place to begin.

When I first started therapy during my pregnancy, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I knew I wanted to—needed to—address my prenatal depression, but I had no idea just how much it would teach me about myself. In this post, I’m sharing some of the biggest realizations my therapist helped me uncover.

Though they’re all slightly different lessons, I truly believe they fall under the same general theme: I care way too much about what other people think.

I’m pretty nervous to share this because I’ll probably sound pathetic. But I want to note that I’ve learned these lessons over the past year and a half, and I don’t struggle with some of them as much anymore. At the time, most of these realizations were in relation to motherhood, but looking back, I can admit they were valid struggles I faced long before becoming a mom.

What I learned about myself in therapy:

• I let other people dictate how I feel
• I’m not true to myself or my needs
• I don’t value my own opinions (my internal voice needs to be louder)
• I haven’t accepted how I feel toward motherhood

I let other people dictate how I feel

Okay, my therapy notes go back over a year, and while I don’t remember exactly what was happening when I learned this, I know it’s still valid. Why? Because if I’m super hyped about something and someone else isn’t, my excitement drops. If I’m mad about something and someone tells me to chill—that I shouldn’t feel that way—I question my anger. If I’m really let down or hurt by someone, I try to convince myself that I’m okay just to make them comfortable.

I’m not true to myself, or my needs

Let’s keep going. Over the years, I’ve put my own needs aside to prioritize pleasing others—whether it was my partner, my friends, or my family. I always put them first. And honestly? That was valid at the time. But I’ve worked on this tremendously. With most people (not all), I’m much better at expressing my needs. I truly believe this progress is helping me be more authentic to myself because I know who I am, what I need, and what I want.

I don’t value my opinions (my internal voice needs to be louder)

Okay, you’re probably laughing at me right now. This one is probably really lame, right? Man, motherhood comes with soooo many—too many—opinions from people you didn’t f*cking ask for. I’d say this is still somewhat valid. Why? Because while I seek opinions way less than I used to, when I do ask for one (or get one I didn’t want), I let it sit. And stir. Stir, stir, stir—until my own opinion is completely out the door.

I haven’t accepted how I feel toward motherhood

At the time I learned this, I was freshly postpartum—deep in my darkness. But I knew one thing for sure: I didn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t want to lose myself in motherhood. My daughter will always be my number one priority, but so will I. Accepting my truth as a mother was hard because motherhood is so glamorized, and I hated that. (I still do, but it’s easier to ignore now.) I’d say this feeling was completely valid. And honestly? I think I knocked this one out of the park—through consistent therapy and my slowly growing confidence in my version of motherhood.

Okay, let’s recap what I’ve healed from in therapy

• I let other people dictate how I feel: Still present
• I’m not true to myself or my needs: Not present anymore
• I don’t value my opinions (my internal voice needs to be louder): Somewhat present
• I haven’t accepted how I feel toward motherhood: Not present anymore

Well, what do you know—I’m 1.5 steps away from healing on these fronts. And for that, I’m forever grateful to therapy—specifically my therapist, but also myself.

I think a lot of people assume therapy is supposed to fix you, but it’s not. It just gives you the tools to do better—to rewire your way of thinking.

You know how long that can take? Years! But in the meantime, at least I have some clarity on why I feel the way I do. Why I contradict myself. And, most of all, why I feel batsh*t crazy half the time.

And with that, folks, I hope you enjoyed this post. I feel really nervous posting this, and even though more than half of you reading this are strangers, I somehow feel safe—and for that, I thank you.

Tune in soon to read a few things I’ve learned in therapy.

Beautiful readers, thank you for coming back to Ashley Spills. Ashley, here. You can check out my other posts here.

Thanks for reading, xo.

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