Written by Ashley Lopez

My relationship with food can be described in one word: compulsive. Food has always consumed me in ways I am not proud of. It takes control of my actions whenever it wants to. Food can slap me in the face for all I care and I’d still be here…waiting to eat it.

Hi everyone, welcome back to Ashley Spills. Ashley, here. You can check out my other posts here. When I got home yesterday I opened up a bag of cheese puffs and uncapped my whipped cream. Ah, the perfect life: combining sweet and salty tastes.

Before I give more detail on this subject, I know it’s sensitive and I understand others probably struggle more than me. By looking at me, you probably can’t even tell that my relationship with food is unhealthy.

Let’s dive right in: I didn’t need to eat cheese puffs and whipped cream—I wasn’t even hungry. If I could count all of the times I have eaten without being hungry, I’d literally be a millionaire. I know that term is overused, but I am not kidding. I eat when I’m full, bored, happy, sad, mad, at home, and just because why not?

My relationship with food

Eating those cheese puffs and whipped cream led me to write this post because I thought about something: six months ago I did a 60-hour fast. You can read about that experience here. That fast was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life because I realized how messed up my relationship with food was is: I’m obsessed with it.

I was literally fantasizing about diving into a bath of warm, thick noodles and then some. I’m not kidding.

My fantasies kept me sane during the fast.

I not only constantly want food, but I think about it more often than I probably should. I’m also a fast eater. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even breathe while I eat because I’m just inhaling what’s on my plate. As much as I’d like to slow down when I eat, I have an extremely hard time doing so. Eating slow, or even at a normal pace, is like torture for me. Can anyone else relate at all?

Let’s normalize talking about food

Sharing this is nerve racking, but I know I’m not the only person with this problem. Our relationship with food is something that is not talked about enough. After I completed my fast, I did tell a few friends about my fantasies, but I think it was taken with a grain of salt. I guess maybe it doesn’t sound that serious. It is that serious.

Why? Because I continued having the fantasies after my fast was over (and still do).

Whatever hormones or chemicals our body release when our taste and smell is activated are not here to play around. It’s time I take control of my primal instinct to attack whatever snack or food is in my perimeter today. This post, while quite freaking embarrassing, was is needed because, again, this is NOT talked about enough.

Food controls our life and sometimes we don’t even realize it. Whether it’s going out with a friend or partner, eating food is usually involved. It’s a way of connection. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, but I had to share that after a long day of work, I just had to open up a bag of cheese puffs and squirt whipped cream in my mouth. And for what? NOTHING.

What the hell, Ashley.

My plan to fix my relationship with food

• Ask for a to-go box when eating out as soon as the food arrives so I can hide whatever I know I shouldn’t finish. If I don’t see it, I won’t eat it. This will stop me from eating a huge portion. (OR just order smaller plates.)
• Serve myself smaller portions at home.
• Understand that the food I’m eating is supposed to give me nourishment. If it’s not doing just that, don’t feel guilty or beat myself up about it, but recognize it and DO NOT OVEREAT IT.
• How I plan to not overeat? By telling whomever I am eating with to ask me whether I am full or not mid-meal. I need help to notice when I’m already satisfied. When I’m alone, however, I guess I’ll just need more self-discipline.

What are your thoughts on my plan?

Well, here I go again…spilling my tea.

Yes, I understand that we need food to survive and it’s going to stay present in our day-to-day lives; but, I need to remind myself that food is a NECESSITY for nourishment, NOT a luxury.

This week I challenge you to take a look at whatever is unwillingly controlling you and face it. Talk about it. Journal it. Bring it into existence because if you don’t you’ll never be able to beat it.

Food—it is so on.

Thanks for reading, xo.

Other resources

5 Steps to Begin Creating a Healthier Relationship with Food