Written by Ashley Lopez

It’s officially been over a year since I’ve stopped talking to one of my best friends. As the months go by, holidays and birthdays pass, I am in shock that I am still grieving this friendship.

Hi beautiful readers, welcome back to Ashley Spills. Ashley, here. You can check out my other posts here.

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while because I think it’s important to share big experiences. Ending a friendship with a best friend, to me, is something huge. It’s taken me so long (and a lot of courage) to write about this because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t know if she even tries keeping up with me like I do with her. Who knows if she’ll read this. She does know about this blog… I started it while we were still friends.

But, at this point, it’s been over a year and I’m ready to talk about it.

Letting a friendship go

My twenties have been a whirlwind of change, emotion, parties, jobs, phases, different interests, and the list goes on. I have evolved every year, no every month, this decade and I am only getting started. The second I turned 25 I definitely felt that quarter-of-a-life crisis and it hit me deeeeeeppp. Now, I’m almost 28.

I began, and still am, seeing my relationships and friends for what they truly were/are. And then, I got to a point where I was questioning everything in my life, specifically the people in my life. I don’t want to sound cringe, but for the sake of my readers, I’ve always been one to have a lot of close friends. I’ve had several people tell me this. Reflecting on this led me to see that not everyone is supposed to be in my life (overall).

I’m not sure if it’s my fear of being alone, trusting too much, wanting acceptance, or just that I am a friendly person. Whatever the reason may be, I now know that not everyone is meant to be in my life.

Okay, let’s get down to what happened. Let’s call her Winter.

Winter and I were best friends for over 10 years, I want to say close to 14 years. I have the best memories with her, and she understood me a lot better than many people did. She made me feel invincible, beautiful, and like a boss ass bitch. I don’t know what I brought to her table, but I hope I brought something good.

As I got older, I was beginning to see a pattern with her, she was doing a lot of the same things and not doing anything that I was doing. We were brought up so different. I always had to work and she didn’t (there are more examples, but this is just one). She had more free time than I did and we valued different things. There is nothing wrong with this per se, but in the end I think we outgrew each other.

First argument

Eventually, we had our first argument because she kept saying things I didn’t appreciate. When I voiced it, she snapped at me and was extremely harsh toward me. After a while, we made up. A few months later, she got mad again because things weren’t going her way for an event and she snapped again. The whole situation, in my opinion, was bizarre.

I was best friends with a stranger. My best friend would never treat me like this, or act like this. If this was the real her all along, how did I not see it?

Why was I so intimidated by my best friend?

After that second argument, I tried to distance myself and it was obvious so she asked to meet and talk. We met up and left things good. We were still bffs and we cleared the air. I felt proud of myself for telling her how I felt and she did the same with me. All was good. I was ready to go back to our regular friendship. Or so I thought I was.

A few days later I sent her a picture of an art project I finished and she responded that she loved it.

That was the last time we ever spoke.

What an ending

Sure, I can tell you that our whole friend group in general was kind of feeling the effects of what was going on between me and Winter, but that’s not my story to tell. At first, I thought for sure she would reach out to me after something big happened, but she never did. For days, then weeks, then months, I was waiting for a text telling me that she hated me. That what happened was my fault.

I was prepared for anything and everything. Maybe I was preparing myself so much because I wanted her to reach out to me. Now that I’m reflecting on it, that was probably the reason.

Now is a good time to say that I’m leaving out a lot of details. If I share every single thing, this post will never end, and out of respect for our friendship, I want to focus more on the outcome rather than the fallout. But just know that at some point I got to the point of feeling stressed rather than blessed by our friendship.

The aftershock of ending a best-friendship

For months, even now, I was looking her up on Instagram and Facebook just to get a glimpse into her new life without me as her best friend. I need(ed) to make sure she was okay. That she was happy and thriving because at the end of the day, all I want for her is nothing but the best. She deserves all the happiness in the world.

I’m still having a hard time getting over this friendship and I think about her so much. I’ve dreamt with her. I saw her once, last Halloween weekend. We walked right by each other and she didn’t even notice me. I was out and about, but as soon as I went to the bathroom I instantly burst into tears because I miss(ed) her so much.

Now, one year and five months later, I still love her and I’ll always cherish our friendship.

Winter, if you’re reading this—you know who you are—I wish nothing but the absolute best for you. You truly will always hold a special place in my heart. I have no spite toward you. I know your future is a fruitful as our friendship once was. Our friendship will always be a precious collection in my lifelong memories.

The aftermath

Even now I feel so guilty writing about this, but beautiful readers, I need you to know that your feelings are valid and just because someone else doesn’t agree with them doesn’t mean they’re worth anything less. There’s a reason I was feeling this way and I acted on it.

Do I regret it? You mean, do I regret throwing away a best-friendship? At times, I do. I feel upset with myself that I was so overwhelmed (in a negative way) by someone I called my best friend. At the time I was so upset by her reactions, but a part of me wonders why I’m not over this. I wonder if I made a mistake.

Sometimes I hate that I let my feelings dictate this friendship, but I felt what I felt and I couldn’t lie to myself about it any longer. So here I am, vulnerable, one best friend down, and still happy all the while learning how to live my wonderful life without someone I once love(d).

This experience taught me first-hand more about my own journey toward self-awareness. I was tested by myself: Ashley, will you keep holding on and be fake or let go of something even though it will hurt you? I had to be true to myself. I couldn’t hold on to this anymore and ever since then, I’ve learned so much more about myself. Maybe letting go was worth it in some ways.

Thanks for reading, xo.

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