Yes, you read that title correctly: I wasn’t happy when I found out I was pregnant. Even writing this is making me feel incredibly guilty and nervous to share this with all of you. However, I have a purpose to serve: to spread self-awareness. Hi again, readers. I’m doing my absolute best to stay active on this blog and keep you updated on all things big life changes.

By now, I’m sure you’re aware of my many big life updates. I am pregnant, and you can read more about it here. As you already know, I was in Mexico when I found out I was pregnant. Despite taking three pregnancy tests in December that came out negative, deep down, I had a feeling that I was pregnant. Nonetheless, I chose to avoid facing it and continued drinking during my vacation. It was a very strange month for me.

The reality of being pregnant

When the confirmation of my pregnancy became undeniably true, I experienced a kind of freak-out. (Not particularly about the drinking because Luis and I thoroughly researched this and consulted with doctors.) I freaked out because I was pregnant, and I wasn’t sure how to feel. The funny thing is, when I stopped taking birth control in June 2022, I had the mindset of “If it happens, it happens.” I kept telling myself that I was ready and I would leave it up to the universe to decide if I was fit to be a mom.

But when I actually became pregnant, my mindset shifted to “What have I gotten myself into?” I didn’t feel happy, and although I put on a brave and happy face for my family and friends when I told them the news, deep down, I was incredibly anxious, and slightly unhappy, during the first 5-10 weeks. I cried a lot and couldn’t believe I was actually pregnant.

What scared me the most

What scared me the most was the fear of losing my own identity as a person. Yes, I understand that having children inevitably changes your life, and losing myself might be inevitable, but I didn’t want my life to feel over. And for a while, it did feel that way. My youth was officially over. That was it. My life was done. I still had so much to do and so many places to see. This baby was going to get in the way of that. I realize now that it was a selfish way to feel, and I probably sound incredibly dramatic.

Anyway…

What made it harder for reality to sink in was the fact that I didn’t experience any symptoms. This made my pregnancy feel even more surreal and easy to ignore. However, once I found out, I immediately began taking the necessary precautions. I stopped drinking, started taking prenatal vitamins, and avoided certain foods, etc. I was “following the rules,” but I wasn’t thrilled about it.

During this time, I had many conversations with Luis about how I was feeling. Even though he couldn’t fully relate (he was incredibly happy and unfazed by the baby), he did his best to empathize and understand me. I also had many conversations with God and the universe. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that this was meant to be. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason, but it took me a while to remember this.

Finally feeling okay

It wasn’t until weeks 13-15 that I started feeling that “excitement” that a mom “should” feel. I began feeling more connected to my baby because, I’ll be honest, I was completely disconnected from it all. I didn’t feel any maternal attachment to my baby, and that scared the sh*t out of me.

Before becoming pregnant, I used to fantasize about the wonderful indescribable feelings I would experience. About all the work I would put into bettering myself with my baby as my motivation. But when it actually happened, none of my fantasies came true. I became even lazier than before, and I didn’t feel much of anything except avoidance.

Around week 14, when I found out the gender, things started feeling more real and connected for me. Yet, I still feel guilty (even now) for feeling this way in the beginning. How could I be so cold? I don’t even like thinking about it, and I feel strange about sharing this with you.

I still can’t believe I’m pregnant

Though I now feel completely bonded and connected with my baby girl, I still can’t believe that I’m pregnant (lol). And no, not in a negative way. It’s more like, “Oh sh*t, my life is about to change, but will it really?” Obviously, it’s going to change drastically, but a part of me is like, “Nahhhhhh, maybe nothing will change.”

Trust me, I know this sounds incredibly silly. I feel completely oblivious to motherhood, yet completely aware of all the things I might, or might not, go through. Though, I am mentally preparing for the ups and downs, and I understand that a lot of things are coming, at the same time, I still feel like my life won’t change too much. I hope this makes sense. I suppose what I’m trying to convey is that I am envisioning (and manifesting) wonderful experiences with my baby.

My big moment of self-awareness

Anyway, just recently, like literally about three weeks ago (so around my 22-week mark), I had a significant revelation. I was lying in bed one night, talking to my baby girl, rubbing my belly, feeling her punches, and I started crying because something in my mind just clicked: I’m no longer the main character of my life. Starting late summer, my baby girl will be the new main character, and I will no longer be doing anything solely for myself but for her.

For this very moment of pure self-awareness, I am incredibly grateful, even if it took me weeks to fully understand my feelings and completely accept them.

Lastly, to my daughter, I love you so much, and even if I struggle to adjust to you, I will never abandon you, and I will care for you to the best of my ability. You are truly my greatest blessing, baby girl.

Beautiful readers, thank you for coming back to Ashley Spills. Ashley, here. You can check out my other posts here.

Thanks for reading, xo.

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