Where the f*ck have I been? I know, we’re all dying to know this. I guess I can start with a simple hello. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed this blog. Mostly, I’ve missed myself. Just a gentle reminder that I’m a mom now and my life has been so completely different and at first, I meant that in a bad way. Now I mean that in a good way, honestly.

Prenatal depression and postpartum

Let’s talk about prenatal depression and postpartum. When you google this, it reads: “Some women may experience a few symptoms of perinatal depression; others may experience several symptoms. Some of the more common symptoms of perinatal depression include: Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood. Irritability. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, or helplessness.”

Gosh, to say I felt all of the above is saying it lightly. My pregnancy was not easy (mentally) and I think that’s why I didn’t write much. I didn’t want to be fake and say I’m doing amazing. A lot of people don’t talk about the sadness that can come with pregnancy because motherhood is supposed to be this amazing thing, but for me it wasn’t. I felt so guilty during my pregnancy and I just knew that my postpartum was going to be horrible.

Postpartum depression

Now that I’m reflecting on it, I know that I was probably projecting and that made it 10x worse, but it did happen. My postpartum was absolutely horrendous. I didn’t feel anything toward my baby for a long time. It breaks my heart now because I truly don’t know how this can happen. I kept asking myself, how did I nurture this life inside me and feel absolutely nothing toward her when I finally got to meet her?

A lot of people assumed I was okay because I was acting like it. Posting like I was. I reached a point when I realized that motherhood is so glamorized but I am only adding to the problem. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. It can be really overwhelming, hard, and dark.

Baby blues

I learned a term called “baby blues” during my pregnancy and it means “feelings of sadness that you may have in the first few days after having a baby.” This feeling is only supposed to last up to two weeks before it’s considered postpartum depression and let’s just say mine did not last two weeks. I felt nothing for 10 weeks. 10 whole weeks.

Postpartum alone is a lot. There’s a lot of anxiety, worry, and tiredness but imagine feeling all that ON TOP of not feeling connected at all to your baby for 10 WEEKS. It was a lot. It was so depressing and filled with guilt. So much guilt. I constantly asked myself what is wrong with me? How did I birth such an amazing baby and feel like all I wanted to do was not be her mom. I just wanted my life back.

This is hard for me to share, but now, if I am being completely 10000% honest… I FINALLY, after 10 weeks, feel that motherhood magic. That indescribable love that everyone talks about. That pure connection to your baby that no one else has.

Motherhood magic

It’s amazing, this feeling of connection I have now. I can’t believe I didn’t have it… I can’t believe I wasn’t as obsessed with my daughter as she was (is) with me. To my baby girl, I’m so sorry. Please love me forever as I will love you for eternity. Please don’t ever leave me and I promise to never ever make you feel less than you are, my baby girl. I’m so sorry I wasn’t absolutely in love with you.

I still find it insane how long it took me to feel this way and I know it could have lasted much longer. I know there are some moms who go through this pain and darkness for a long long time. I hear you. I feel for you, and I’m so sorry. I hope it gets easier. I hope you grow to love your baby.

I don’t think I’ve ever written a blog post faster than I wrote this one. I guess I had a lot to say, or “confess.” I guess I didn’t really have to confess anything to you, but I just don’t want any mom to ever feel alone or like a bad person like I did. I am quite literally surrounded by “normal” moms so to feel not “normal” was a horrible feeling. I hope this brings someone comfort out there.

Thanks for reading, xoxo.

Beautiful readers, thank you for coming back to Ashley Spills. Ashley, here. You can check out my other posts here.

Thanks for reading, xo.

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