Written by Ashley Lopez

Hi everyone, welcome back to Ashley Spills. Ashley, here. You can check out my last post here. I’m sitting on my bed with a lap desk on my lap writing this even though I have a desk I could easily sit at. What are the odds? I know it’s probably not super productive to get things done on a bed; I heard it makes you sleepy—maybe even lazy. Who knows?

I guess I’m not disciplined enough to get myself up and go to my desk to write this. I’m starting to wonder if I’m disciplined at all. I’d like to say I somewhat am, but I’m not so sure if that’s true because I can’t resist a lot of things. I can’t stop myself from doing things I shouldn’t, like eating junk food, watching too much tv, and overeating. I can’t get myself to do things I should, like waking up early, writing every day, exercising every day, and learning something new.

I am able to give myself a time limit or time frame on something, but I can’t make a lifestyle change. I can’t seem to embrace making something habitual, at least not as often as I’d like to. I still need to find what made the few things that are a worthy habit of mine stick and stay around. How did I get myself to always do ABC, but I can’t get myself to always do DEF?

How does one make a habit… well, a habit?

Do I have to pass that three-month hump because BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. That doesn’t always work. Do I have to love love love something to make it a habit? I don’t think so because I do a lot of things that I don’t necessarily even like every single day. So how do I form a habit without making it feel like a chore? Ahh, the golden question. So, how many days create a habit?

I know positive thinking can go a long way and I know that if I start something now, I’ll be a happier me in six months. I know all of this, but what I don’t know is HOW to become the best version of myself. Sometimes, not all the times, I don’t know how to just do it. Okay, let me be real for a second. I obviously know how to just do something I need to do, but I lack the determination and will to keep doing it after a certain amount of time.

Does anyone else struggle with this?

I’m not certain if and when I’ll ever find myself disciplined enough to understand my depths, triggers, and nuances in order to control my actions. I’m not entirely clear on how I can truly connect with me and reach this point at any given time.

I do have practices that help me with my own self-awareness, but sometimes I’m scared to face myself because I know how much I stop myself from accomplishing a lot of things. It’s like I’ll face my evil twin and it’s frightening to know she’s alive inside of me. To know she’s encouraging me to not win. To not succeed.

I’m on a mission to—not kill—rather embrace my evil twin and train her to cooperate with me. Now the question is: who am I really? Who am I in this world full of high standards and guilty pleasures? Am I strong enough to overcome these?

Weekly challenge

My weekly challenge is to list all the things I actually do instead of the things I should do. I think this will help me pinpoint the things I need to limit. What do you think? I challenge you to do the same.

Thanks for reading, xo.