Writing by Ashley Lopez

Hi everyone, welcome back to Ashley Spills. Ashley, here. You can check out my last post here. To say the least, but also say the most—I had a pretty emotional weekend. The waterworks were definitely brought on. I don’t know if sharing this is going to be a good idea, but I got pretty drunk on Friday—like way more than I intended to—and it felt pretty ugly the next day.

The day

Backtracking to Friday, I was pretty reckless because I lay in the middle of the street at like midnight. I just wanted to look at the sky. At that time, I felt pretty invincible… like nothing could go wrong even though, of course, everything could have gone wrong. (A car could have come or a stranger could have bothered me.) On top of that, I thought it was a good idea to go walking at that time and to be honest, I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want one of my best friends to come with me, of course she did because she felt the need to take care of me (thank you).

The why

Backtracking to why I even got drunk on Friday, I went to see Camilo in concert (he’s a Latin singer) and your girl was feeling herself. I was fine until I wasn’t because I drank a stupid Cutwater (a canned margarita drink). Pre-concert I took a good amount of tequila shots, but nothing crazy—I know my limits. Post-concert, it was time to wait for an Uber so I went to a hotel nearby; the lobby had Cutwater for sale. I had heard they were good so I thought: what the hell?

Bad choice.

Anyways, back again to my emotional night in the dark. While I was lying down on the road and walking, I felt sad because I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be somewhere else. No—I want to be somewhere else. I want to: travel and find myself in situations that I shouldn’t be in, learn from other people, other cultures, see things people dream of seeing. I think I felt sad because I’m not accomplishing that right now (and I’m sure the tequila didn’t help). The next day, however, I felt better because I know I’m working towards that. I know that once I accomplish doing freelance work and making money from writing, I’ll be able to pack up and leave.

Saturday

Okay, so let’s move on to the next day: Saturday. I was so hungover, ugh. Not the point. I went to a baby shower and then I felt even more emotional because I want a baby and to be a mom. I want to know what that love feels like that. But most of all, I just want to experience motherhood. Lately, I’ve been in a constant battle of what I want or what I don’t want.

What I want and don’t want

I want to: travel, live abroad for a significant amount of time, write, read, practice yoga, be a freelance copyeditor, and be a mom.

What I don’t want is: to not travel and not be abroad for a significant amount of time.

All that’s left to do is just do it and hope to God I’m supported by my boyfriend, family, and friends. I guess I should do things in order: finish my copyediting program, grow my blog with Pintrest, find freelance (remote) copyediting work, quit my Monday through Friday job after I have secured income, travel, and then have a baby. This succeeding plan makes the most sense, doesn’t it?

I can’t possibly do it any other way… just leave now with no secured remote work. Responsibility comes first. Well, and I really don’t have any choice than to wait. Just wait. Gosh, my 20’s have sure been a whirlwind of emotion. I wish I thought of this plan when I was like 22, not 27. At one point I was so sure I wanted to teach English abroad, but that was just an excuse to travel. What good would I do for the kids if I’m just teaching them to travel and not because I truly love teaching?

What I love

What I love is writing and unraveling puzzles. I barely started the copyediting program at UC San Diego Extension, but let me tell you something: the two short editing assignments I’ve had were amazing! I can’t believe how complex grammar is—it’s insane. All the damn rules English has is pretty amazing. Learning grammar is hard, but becoming an expert at it is only going to be harder. Thank goodness for the material we have to reference to.

Anyways, now let’s move on to my emotional Sunday (today). I don’t know why I cried today, but I did. I’ve felt frustrated all day and I hate that my attitude can just be too much for even me to handle. I seriously don’t know why and how my boyfriend has put up with me for so long. I swear, I could just slap me. Maybe I still feel off from Friday and yesterday. Maybe that’s what this is.

I won’t make any decisions based off emotion. I guess I should say now (800+ words later) that the point of this post was to talk about making decisions based of emotion. I’ll get into that on Wednesday instead or else this post will be way longer than I intended it to be.

Thanks for reading, xo.